As a follow-up to last week’s piece in which I urged you not to take GLP-1s to lose weight, I am not (at least this week) going to recommend a specific workout or diet. I am not going to write about ideal weight, workout duration, or even type. While our weight, moving our bodies, and being deliberate about what we put in them is important (and I will get to that next week) if we need to lose weight and or get fit, doing (or not) “this diet,” “that exercise” or aiming for “this number” is not where we should begin. To start to change our weight and fitness is to first change our relationships; those with God, society, the people closest to us, and ultimately, with ourselves.
If you think this is a wishy-washy way to talk about weight and fitness, it’s not, and you can test my claim by honestly answering the following three questions:
First, why do you eat? If you answered “because it feels good” or “I like to eat,” that is incorrect. Yes, eating is pleasurable, as are all activities essential to our continued being (think likewise sex and sleep). While there is nothing wrong with enjoying the pleasure that comes from eating, pleasure is not the reason for eating. Nourishment and connection to our material selves are the reasons.
That we focus primarily on the pleasure experienced as the reason to eat is, at its heart, a symptom of our broken relationship (perhaps better, “understanding”) with the natural law that governs everyone and everything. In a simplified form, the natural law of “things” (so to speak) goes something like this: To get the best out of a product or a process, one should treat a thing (keep it, use it, and so on) in such a way as to maximize its function.
So, for example, what is the function of a tomato plant? To produce tomatoes. Well, then, how should we keep it to maximize its function? We should keep it in good soil, with plenty of sunlight and water. Providing these elements essential to the plant’s function may or may not please us. Daily watering, weeding the garden, and keeping the pests away from the plants are tasks that are not in themselves pleasurable but are needed for the tomato plant to perform its function. We focus on the task, not the pleasure, to ensure that the plant grows into its function, that is, producing tomatoes.
But not so with eating. As it turns out, most of us do not eat with the function of adequate nourishment in mind, rather, we eat (and overeat) to relieve emotional distress. Why? Cause and effect. Eating releases hormones (that’s the pleasure part) that make us feel good at the moment, giving us a temporary mood boost which does nothing to solve the cause of our distress. To continue to recapture that boost, we eat, again and again. This process, of having a need, doing something for it, and repeating, is called a feedback loop. While feedback loops are at the core of our behavior, some, like eating to alleviate stress, cause more problems than they solve.
It is here, with our relationship with ourselves, that we need to start. If we are in a continued state of distress, we need to honestly (and without judgment) ask “Why?” Are we not pursuing our vocations, that is, the reason God put us here and the responsibilities that go with it? Are we not loved or loving in an orderly manner? The list of things that might cause us emotional strain is expansive, but the point is this: Unless a lack of food is the cause of our distress, food is not the answer to our distress. It is a plain and simple fact that no one can fix a problem by addressing only the symptoms using a distraction.
Eating to relieve emotional distress does not serve the natural law for both eating (that is, what our bodies need) and the relief of emotional distress. If you need to lose weight but frequently feel stressed and strained, start with the cause of the stress. As best you can, resolve the issue(s), or resolve to not let the stress be the cause of when and what you eat.
As you undertake this crucial step, know that you will fail, perhaps in the beginning more than you succeed. Breaking and reorganizing feedback loops takes time, so don’t expect results overnight. In fact, don’t expect significant results sooner than about 40 days. Be patient, and be kind to yourself.
Second, in addition to why we eat, we should ask “What is most of what we eat made of?” If the answer is highly processed stuff (think already made in a box or bag), then chances are that it is designed to be physiologically addictive. Yes, many of the items that you find in the store are designed to be addictive. Some companies are so front-facing about this that they roll it right into their advertising, bluntly stating “Bet you can’t eat just one!”
Get your head around the following fact: In our free-ish market economy, companies are allowed to produce addictive substances, like alcohol, tobacco, THC products and highly processed foods. In turn, we the consumers are free to to say “thanks, but no thanks” to their products. The availability of addictive stuff in stores is not going to change, and as a result, the only effective barrier between food addiction and us is ourselves. While I discourage moralizing when it comes to eating and exercise, in the case of staying away from addictive substances, don’t expect anyone to come and help you. We are the only ones whom we can count on to protect us.
Third and finally, concerning both how we eat and move, when was the last time we had an honest, open conversation, both visually and verbally, with ourselves? If we have attempted such a conversation, like taking a full-on look at our naked selves on the scale or in the mirror, what has been our response? If we can see or feel that things are not right, what have we done? Have we resolved to take action, being patient with ourselves, and working out a plan? Have we tracked what we eat in a week and compared the total calories against what someone our age and height might need? Do we go out of our way not to go out of the way? Foregoing the stairs for the elevator, or parking as close as possible to the storefront? Are we so upset by what we saw, or counted, that, to avoid bad feelings at all costs, we fled the mirror and scale and then did nothing?
If you answered “yes” to most of those questions, it’s OK to feel a little twinge of guilt or shame but don’t let the feelings linger. Here’s why: During a confession, a wise priest once told me something powerful. He said that the feelings of guilt and fear are, in themselves, not bad things. The one tells us that we have strained or broken a relationship with someone (God, society, those close to us, ourselves), and we need to apologize and make the relationship right. The other warns us that we are in a place or situation that is dangerous to ourselves or others, and we need to get out and then carefully plan never to be caught there again.
But the conditions of shame and phobia, which are not the same as guilt and fear, are tricks of the Deceiver, the Liar of liars. Unlike the transitory experiences of guilt and fear, shame and phobia are emotional states that persist, often for years if not a lifetime, and paralyze our actions and undercut our resolve.
Shame lies to us, telling us that we are so guilty, so beaten, so unloved by God and others that we cannot possibly hope to change ourselves, repair what we may have broken, and do better in the next hour, day, week, month, year or ever.
Phobia, a constate state of fear, paralyzes our good sense and resulting actions, hissing in our mind’s ear that we and/or the situation are hopeless, that the whole world is stacked against us, and we should not bother trying to repair what has been broken because there is no hope of success.
If we are going to make any substantive change within ourselves, like our weight or fitness, we must not be afraid to recognize that we made a mistake and did not pay attention to a relationship, such as with our emotions or our body, that deserved our attention. Feeling upset about what you did yesterday is not a bad thing. Becoming paralyzed by what you did (or did not) do yesterday is. Don’t do it, it’s not helpful and you are worthy and capable of repair.
Until next week, here is what I suggest that you do: Take stock of your relationships, habits, and any lingering feelings of guilt and shame. Reflect on what we have covered above, and get ready for a renewal of how you approach yourself, the food that you eat, and the movement that you were designed to do.